Give up my issues... pretending??

On Friday I had a great email exchange with my momma. You know, she spends her days at work walking people through their conflicts and she has EXCELLENT things to say. Here's some of what we talked about:

Me to Mom: I feel like I walk around trying to be okay with the things I hate about myself (and the things I feel like other people hate about me) and sometimes I get tired of trying to be okay. It gets tiring. So sometimes I just don't want to pretend any longer. How do you balance pretending to be okay so you can focus on the other person and TRULY putting yourself aside enough to focus on them (in a sacrificial and others-focused kind of way)? I have to admit that I can't get past the "what about me?" question. Like today, I felt like last night I needed something and didn't get it. I came away fighting frustration because I know I'm not supposed to be needy of other people and be okay without. I feel completely fake by trying to push my stuff aside to show love towards others and try not to care about the fact that I feel like I didn't get what I thought I needed. I tried to be "good", but felt totally fake and a mild form of frustration that it seems like it didn't really matter.

Here are some of the excellent things my mom said in response: Well that is the million dollar question, "What about me?" And a similar struggle goes on with all women. I am not sure I have the instant fix for learning to be completely unselfish. I do know we are told to imitate Christ (Rom. 8:28-30, I John 2:6, Rom. 15:1-3, Eph. 5:1-2)) and he came to serve, not to be served (Matt. 20:28). I read in scripture "dos" and not "feels" for instance, we are told to put off the old self but I read nothing about whether we feel like it or not. I do read that we are to renew our minds, and that out of our mouths our heart speaks (where the minds interpretations of truth take root) and that our heart is the well-spring, the thing that feeds our lives.

More: Sometimes, focusing on what is happening to/in/around/without you and not only "God, what are you trying to tell me? Is there some action or thought I need to forsake, or some action or thought I need to change or add?" In other words, where can I put off sin and put on God. God has promised never to leave me or forsake me, and He has also promised to transform me. He does this through the world around me. If it is true that His grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 9:8) and that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness RIGHT NOW (2 Pet. 1:3), not later, but now, then He calls me to stand up under whatever comes across my path without sin (I Cor. 10:13).

I think this was one of my favorite parts: Yes, it is weary to feel fake, but honesty is not about where others are bugging you, but where are hearts are deceiving us. We are not given latitude to share our feelings all over the place, but only where it will edify others. Does it feel like you are not being honest? What is the purpose of honest exchange? Is it to build them up in Christ or glorify God.

It is hard to find verses that say first, make yourself feel complete, happy, content, etc. then love others. Instead we are told to lay our life down, carry a cross, imitate Christ who died for us. But the hope is that trusting God, our only hope because of what Christ did for us is what will fill us with joy and peace (Rom. 15:13)

Gal. 5:13-15
"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."

Wow!!! Reading this all now feels inspiring. Great stuff!!!

I actually remembered all of this and put it into practice on Saturday morning. I found that in putting myself aside and focusing on loving others, it was the very thing that filled me up. Apparently God means what he says about giving up our lives to get life. That might not make sense... in other words, when I give up what I hope to get and genuinely seek to love others, it's in loving others that the need is met.

Now, if only I could remember this!!

In other little news, we had a wonderful birthday dinner for Barb last night. Mark bbq'd some fabulous chicken and veggie kabobs and we enjoyed the company of close friends and mud pie ;)