Today was a little hard. Not really for any reason, other than it being Monday. I think it takes me a day to adjust to the beginning of another week. I'm a bit sad as Sunday approaches it's end and this morning didn't feel like getting out of bed. It just seemed like a good day to not get up. However, I'm a responsible adult with a "real" job, so did get out of bed. Although it wasn't until about 20 minutes before I needed to leave my house that I got up. I used that time to brush my teeth, wash my face, throw lotion stuff on my face, put clothes on, and walk out the door. I love that I can wear (almost) whatever I want to work.
Other than the icky weather and feeling unmotivated, there wasn't much that was bad about today, but I was feeling a little downer. During lunch I went to Starbucks and did my usual God-time. I'm pretty sure my $1.30 cup of coffee is mostly to make me feel better about taking up a table in the store for 40 minutes. I hardly ever finish it.
Today's memory verse was Psalm 139:23 (only 1 more to go!) "Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." As I thought about this verse I wondered what testing had to do with God knowing my anxious thoughts. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe my anxious thoughts are revealed through testing. I'm not sure if it's the only way my anxious thoughts are revealed or not, but that's all I could come up with as to the link between testing and anxious thoughts. If you have an idea, please let me know. As I ran today I thought about that and what tests I might be encountering right now and what kind of anxious thoughts they might be revealing. Insecurity, a desire for other's approval, selfishness, those are about all I came up with. I'm sure there are deeper things.
My reading in Donald Miller's book talked about how we've tried to make a relational God into a formula. I definitely connected with that. I think for some reason I always thought (and no one ever said this or taught me this, I don't think) that you did "these 3 steps" to becoming a Christian and then you followed "these 12 steps" to becoming a perfect Christian. You can't move to the next step until you "master" the one you are on and if you have to linger there because you aren't picking it up, then you, obviously, don't love Jesus. Ummm... NOT TRUE!! How I plowed this deeply into my brain I have no idea because I think I've been spending the past few years trying to weed it all out and get down to the basics. In all honesty, I'd rather not do any kind of structured God thing, except that I love the community of church, and happen to have lunch times free and love to spend a few moments with Jesus in the form of my Bible, journal and a good Christian book. However, I don't have a quota to reach for the week or feel like my day was ruined because it didn't happen. Yes, I have swung far to the other side. I think it's good when people throw everything they ever knew or were taught, out the window and search out God at the core. You can't fail with Jesus. And how he loves us and shows love towards us in specific ways, suited to who we are. Maybe God doesn't want us to just go through the day obeying what we think are the "10 steps to the perfect Christian walk", but just go through the day looking for how Jesus shows up? I like the personal relationship Jesus and not the one who only required me to do good. I think I always believed the latter. Again, not because anyone told me that or anything, it just seemed to be what stuck the most.
I felt like I was really getting into the turbo kick boxing class tonight. After doing that class I sometimes wonder if I would do better in a real fight, if I had to ;) I always feel like the silliest most ungraceful one in the class though. And I'm not just saying that, I really am!
Now I'm home. Mark is coming over soon and I'm going to make us sloppy joes and we'll watch 24. He's inundated with work, so can't stay long, but every little moment is better than none at all!
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1 comment:
You are an amazing blogger! keep it up.
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