Lately I have been pondering my life and what I have/haven't done. It's been prompted mostly by feeling insecure about the way people might view me. In Donald Miller's book that I'm reading, he talks about the lifeboat mentality. That life feels like we're in a lifeboat with each other and someone has to get thrown out and you don't want to be the one thrown out. The people you are in the lifeboat with aren't determining who will be thrown out by God's worth, but mans... am I worth saving? So we're desperately trying to stay a step above at least one other person in the boat. At least, this is what I'm getting from what Miller is saying. I'm pretty sure I live my life this way more often than not.
Last week a friend and I were reflecting on our lives so far. I mentioned how I was feeling a bit like a loser and have been struggling with a fear that others share that sentiment about me. At 26, I don't feel like I've done the things I wish I had by now, like graduating college and/or having money invested somewhere, or something to show for the past 8 years since graduating high school. But I just don't have much. So I've been thinking about this more and have shared with a few people who assure me that others don't think I'm a loser. Trisha reminded me that on the outside, I seem to "have it all" with a good job, a great car, an amazing boyfriend.
Last week a friend and I were reflecting on our lives so far. I mentioned how I was feeling a bit like a loser and have been struggling with a fear that others share that sentiment about me. At 26, I don't feel like I've done the things I wish I had by now, like graduating college and/or having money invested somewhere, or something to show for the past 8 years since graduating high school. But I just don't have much. So I've been thinking about this more and have shared with a few people who assure me that others don't think I'm a loser. Trisha reminded me that on the outside, I seem to "have it all" with a good job, a great car, an amazing boyfriend.
My friend Raychel reminded me of Romans 8:28, "The Lord works for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose." That reminded me of a verse I'm memorizing out of Psalm 139, "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book and every moment laid out before a single day had passed." Even though I feel like a loser (and everyone else must think so too) because I don't have anything to show for my life thus far, doesn't mean I am one. It's weird to think that THIS was the life God laid out for me (not that I don't have free will to choose). He knew in advance I wouldn't have finished school by 26 and haven't decided when/how to finish yet. He knew I wouldn't be married yet. He knew he would bless me with Simone (2000 Mustang GT Convertible ;). He knew that I would be living with Barb and have little to no money (and what I do have will be use up on my trip to Europe next month).
"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
So God new me and laid out my life before I was born, every step of it. I haven't felt like it has been wasted, I guess I just feel like you are supposed to be able to count what you have done and I don't feel like I can. But I do know that I've been seeking God at each step and looking to him along the way. I really like knowing that he knew of and laid out my days ahead of time. Doesn't make me feel like I messed something up but am on a divine life plan that is only a quarter (probably more) of the way through.
He saw me before I was born. He works for my good. He has a good plan and hope for my future. Ya!! I'm not a loser!! ;) And I can stop fighting for a place in the lifeboat. Maybe my focus shouldn't be on making sure I'm not thrown out of the lifeboat, but fighting for others to stay in.
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