Love?

The other day when spending, what has become a somewhat rare, date with God at Starbucks, I felt almost desperate to connect with Him! My life seems to have gone from outward focused to (somewhat appropriately) inward focused. In my quest to live each today in today, I worry that I might be too focused on my self and upcoming wedding plans.

Truthfully, I don't mind staying primarily focused on planning our wedding, slowly moving my possessions to Mark's place, and spending every possible moment with the man I love. I get to spend my days (other than working and running) preparing our wedding and what other season of life is so new and fun and kind of easy! I know people have said that the engagement time can be really great but many have said it's difficult and strained. So far we have remained in a somewhat blissful state as we bask in the excitement of our coming wedding. It's hard to believe it's only 30 days away, less than a month!!!

Life is more different than I've ever known and the little hole in my heart that Mark now occupies part of feels like it leaves less space and dependence on God. Before Mark, that space was left vacant and I spent many long hours crying out to God to bring someone to fill the space. I was so aware of the gap in my life that all I could do was talk to God about it! Now I realize that was partly all I talked to God about and am not sure where my relationship is outside of that.

Wednesday, as I sat at Starbucks and wondered where my relationship with God went and where it's going, trying to push the panic that maybe I was in a "bad spot" with him, I decided to be pro-active. My twice weekly minimal journal time where I told God about wedding plans wasn't cutting it any more. Even the book I was reading, which used to be a primary tool in my life to leading me to God's presence, wasn't doing it for me. When I had looked for a new book to read a couple weeks ago and told Barb I wanted something that wasn't relationship or marriage related, just about me and God, she recommended the Bible ;)

So, I decided my Bible needs to be my starting place. I read my chapter in 2 Samuel and instead of dismissing it and writing in my journal about ME, I wrote a few thoughts about the chapter. It felt good not to just talk about wedding stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life right now!! I love planning our wedding, I love anticipating married life, I LOVE spending time with Mark!! But I also love God and feel like I've pushed him to the back burner so I can boil wedding prep on my front burner for a while. Perhaps there are times in life where that's appropriate? I like believing that God understands what we have going on. But I'm also ready to put my boiling pot of wedding preparation to the back burner or take it off the stove all together! Or replace it with a boiling delicious smelling pot of Marriage! Only 30 more days to go!

I also decided to start memorizing scripture again. I don't really memorize it for future reference any more, I memorize it to live well today and reflect on what the verses are saying. In my effort to prepare everything for our wedding day, I realized I wasn't doing much to prepare myself for marriage... how does a person prepare themselves for marriage? I opted for "the" chapter on love from 1 Corinthians 13.

Why be cheesy and cliche with an obvious chapter? Because it's on love, and God is love. If I want God, then I have to remember love. And so far, I must say that I'm rather amazed at the assumptions that the writer of this chapter is making! Here's today's verse: "If I had the gift or prophecy, and if I understood all God's secret plans, and if I possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith to move mountains, but didn't love others, I would be nothing."

I really like the last line, "I would BE nothing". I'm not sure about everyone else, but I want BE somebody!!

I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that I could know everything, understand all God's plans, have perfect faith, but if I didn't love those around me, it wouldn't mean a thing!

So, I guess all that to say I don't really know what I'm doing. I hate feeling a little disconnected from God and am sometimes a little scared at how life is different with part of my empty hole now filled up. I'm not sure what exactly God had in mind for this season of life, but I'm trudging along the best I can and have enjoyed my Bible the past 2 Starbucks dates and am very excited about the new ideas the verses bring to mind. I don't want to just prepare a beautiful wedding day, I want to build a beautiful marriage, surrounded by love. I have no idea what I'm doing and certainly don't know what I'm getting myself into!! But I wouldn't want to move forward into the scary unknown without God and my amazing future husband walking along with me!!