Today's highlights

Again with the strange weather! I get up and there's a dusting of snow. By the time I leave for work, it's almost gone and then off and on today it poured snow. By the end of the day it was partly sunny and I think God brought that along specifically for me. I needed the cheerful sun today!

Can you believe that DST is only a week from Sunday?!! I'm SO excited!! I'm a big fan of daylight being later in the day.

Today was an up and down day, but I'm going to focus on the up.

By 2:30 I still hadn't taken a "lunch" break (I normally eat at work and use my hour for lunch to do other things, like Starbucks dates with God). Although normally I think it's fun to take a late lunch, today I decided to see if I could just leave early instead of taking a lunch. So I did. It was AWESOME!! I left a little after 4 and it was still partly sunny. I hit the store for some dinner supplies and throw some money in my account, and was on my way to the gym by 4:30. I was SO excited about this!! Why, I have no idea but I just was. I think sometimes it feels like I'm just home so late every evening that I have just enough time to hop online for a second, make something to eat, eat, watch a little tv, hangout with Mark, and go to bed. Right now I have something every night of the week. Although 3 out of 5 days it's the gym.

Anyway, so I was on the treadmill by 4:50 and was very excited to have a head start on my evening. By 5:33 I had run my 4 miles and shaved off 1min and 15seconds from last week's time. Then I hopped on the stair climber for 15 minutes. I didn't get to finish with my usual stretching and ab routine because there were no mats available. I tried to hover, without looking like I was hovering, by pretending to be waiting for someone (I made this obvious by watching the door and looking at my watch). But I couldn't do that for too long before the 5 people using the mats might think I'm odd or something, so I just decided to bag it.

On the way home I stopped to pick up a new medication for my stomach. I found out the pills I'm taking are about $300 for a 30 day supply. Yikes!! That's $5 per pill (I take 2 a day). Thank God for insurance! Although I feel bad I'm making them pay so much.

2 weeks from right now I will be on my way to Germany!!!!

I forgot to apply my memory verse today. "I pour out my complaints to him [the Lord], I tell him all my troubles." Psalm 142:2. Today I actually poured out some complaints and troubles to my dad, but he was really sweet about it and was so nice and gracious. Thanks Dad! I can't wait to spend 2 weeks with you exploring Europe!! I wonder if God gave me an opportunity to apply what the verse says and I missed it? I'm sure I'll have plenty more opportunities in the future ;)

Mark is coming over pretty soon and I need to get the potatoes in the oven, so I'm off.

The weekend.

What odd weather we have here! I drove home tonight after the gym in some strange downpour of slushy snowiness. Although it was actually a comfortable temperature outside. This place is so weird! Montana's weather was simple, it got cold and snowed in the winter, it rained in the spring/fall, and was nice and warm and sunny in the summer. It was also sunny during the winter, but still cold. New Mexico's weather was kind of normal as well. It was hot in the summer, rained heavy in the spring/fall, was cooler in the winter and had the occasional freak snow storm that wouldn't last very long and be melted as quick as it came.

Here's a recap from Friday evening after work: Ran an errand. Picked up a bday card for my cousin. Tried to get a prescription (for the second time), sat in the drive-thru line for 15 minutes and then went inside to sit for another 30 minutes to end up not getting the prescription at all. Drove home and cried. Came home and tearfully told Barb and Mark about the pharmacy experience. Went to use my bathroom to discover the toilet was plugged. Used Barb's bathroom and the button on my 6 month-old pair of jeans (I really like) flew off. I think I may have cried again. Hugged Mark. Went with Barb and Mark to a bday dinner for my cousin. The rest of the evening was uneventful and enjoyable.

Saturday I had the privilege of going to a conference at George Fox called Kaleo. It was on mentoring students. There were probably about 400ish people who appeared to be youth leaders of some sort (we have a "look" about us). Although I'm sure many of them were also GFU students. My friend Raychel went with me. We had a great time! Of course, one of the highlights for me was that Donald Miller was speaking during the two main sessions. I LOVED almost all of the things he talked about. Some were from his book I'm reading and others were new insights. It was food for my soul. Normally I don't do it, but I had the book with me, so stood in line for a few minutes and had him sign it. Although I'm normally not without words, I didn't really know what to say.

I love conferences. That might be strange, especially for someone my age, but I just love them. They are great. And since they are kind of familiar environments for me to learn in, I always get a ton out of the sessions and speakers and experience. I also loved the God topic and even skipped a session so I could spend time with Jesus. It was a wonderful day!

So, my favorite thing from what Miller talked about was pretty much in like the last 15 minutes of his last talk. He shared about how he's studying story and... I can't remember everything he said. But he shared an example of a 14 year old girl who was looking for a better story (but didn't actually know that's what she was looking for) and chose it in the form of dating a guy that wasn't the best person for her to invest her time in. This idea totally struck me!

I have been doing this, looking for a better story! I've been looking to spice up my story with my trip to Europe, my constant desire to change something, pursue crazy ideas, and whatever. What I have really been looking for is a better story. I finally accepted and have learned to love the story I grew up with (some of which felt boring to me). And now I'm at a place where there is a slow point in my story and I want it to be a little more fast paced. Realizing that it's a more adventurous story I'm seeking actually made me feel like my slow point is okay. God is the one who writes my story. As one of the verses I memorized in Psalm 139 says, "...every day of my life was recorded in your book, every moment laid out before a single day had passed." I'm learning to trust him with other areas of my life and I know this chapter of my story will end soon and the next one will start and it might be more adventurous then I ever dreamed. Or it may be another slow one. But it's the story HE made for me. It might not be the story someone is living, but it's the story perfectly tailored for me. That's a neat thought!

Today I had my follow-up dentist appointment. Whenever I sit there in the chair with the little tool digging into my gums (I don't think the hygienist realizes how rough she is), I wonder if this was God's intention for our lives. Did he really intent for dentists to exist?

Now I feel foolish...

I had a conversation today that brought a misunderstanding out into the open. Now I feel foolish for thinking something different then what was intended. Sometimes I feel like I mess. Whenever I say that line, "sometimes I feel like a..." always makes me think of the commercial for Almond Joy or Mounds. I believe they would say, "Sometimes I feel like a nut. Sometimes I don't." Or something like that. I guess I could say the same thing about myself, sometimes I feel like a nut (like right now) and sometimes I don't.

Today was a pretty good day (other than the misunderstanding, which happened late enough that I'm trying to feel better about it). Work was super busy, which I LOVE! My time at Starbucks with God was fun. I decided to start reading 1 Samuel and read through to about Esther or something. I'm pretty sure I've read Job before so don't feel any need to duplicate. I'm excited about spending some time in the OT. I've spent most of my Christian study time in the NT and am ready to jump over the proverbial fence.

While at Starbucks I ran into my old manager (from when I worked there). He always treated me really well! We visited for a few minutes and he mentioned that if I'm ever interested in a part-time job (not replacing my current work), to come see him. That idea always intrigues me. But the idea of giving up valuable weekend free time for extra work hasn't quite enticed me, yet. I would be doing it more for having something else to do (free coffee, and an employee discount). And in all honesty, I never have any trouble coming up with something to do.

That lead me to think about my current state, restless. It's hereditary, at least that's what I like to claim. I should have seen it coming, deciding to take a trip to Europe, dreaming about the change of seasons and the inevitable change of activities, the mere peak of the sun-brightened-sky bringing a smile to my face, the itch in my gut to try to do something "more" and the constant search to determine what that "more" might be. The feelings make me feel crazy... or like a nut. When asked tonight why I believe in God, one answer seemed to dominate: that's where I feel okay with myself. It's like the one place where I don't feel like a nut. The rest of the time my emotions, female hormones, brain waves, ideas, desires, seem to be going off the scale crazy! But I have yet to figure out how to keep the centered feeling of my best God-time with me all the time. Some might say I must be doing something wrong. But I think I'm not and the craving is what keeps us going back.

Another case of the Mondays...

Today was a little hard. Not really for any reason, other than it being Monday. I think it takes me a day to adjust to the beginning of another week. I'm a bit sad as Sunday approaches it's end and this morning didn't feel like getting out of bed. It just seemed like a good day to not get up. However, I'm a responsible adult with a "real" job, so did get out of bed. Although it wasn't until about 20 minutes before I needed to leave my house that I got up. I used that time to brush my teeth, wash my face, throw lotion stuff on my face, put clothes on, and walk out the door. I love that I can wear (almost) whatever I want to work.

Other than the icky weather and feeling unmotivated, there wasn't much that was bad about today, but I was feeling a little downer. During lunch I went to Starbucks and did my usual God-time. I'm pretty sure my $1.30 cup of coffee is mostly to make me feel better about taking up a table in the store for 40 minutes. I hardly ever finish it.

Today's memory verse was Psalm 139:23 (only 1 more to go!) "Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts." As I thought about this verse I wondered what testing had to do with God knowing my anxious thoughts. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe my anxious thoughts are revealed through testing. I'm not sure if it's the only way my anxious thoughts are revealed or not, but that's all I could come up with as to the link between testing and anxious thoughts. If you have an idea, please let me know. As I ran today I thought about that and what tests I might be encountering right now and what kind of anxious thoughts they might be revealing. Insecurity, a desire for other's approval, selfishness, those are about all I came up with. I'm sure there are deeper things.

My reading in Donald Miller's book talked about how we've tried to make a relational God into a formula. I definitely connected with that. I think for some reason I always thought (and no one ever said this or taught me this, I don't think) that you did "these 3 steps" to becoming a Christian and then you followed "these 12 steps" to becoming a perfect Christian. You can't move to the next step until you "master" the one you are on and if you have to linger there because you aren't picking it up, then you, obviously, don't love Jesus. Ummm... NOT TRUE!! How I plowed this deeply into my brain I have no idea because I think I've been spending the past few years trying to weed it all out and get down to the basics. In all honesty, I'd rather not do any kind of structured God thing, except that I love the community of church, and happen to have lunch times free and love to spend a few moments with Jesus in the form of my Bible, journal and a good Christian book. However, I don't have a quota to reach for the week or feel like my day was ruined because it didn't happen. Yes, I have swung far to the other side. I think it's good when people throw everything they ever knew or were taught, out the window and search out God at the core. You can't fail with Jesus. And how he loves us and shows love towards us in specific ways, suited to who we are. Maybe God doesn't want us to just go through the day obeying what we think are the "10 steps to the perfect Christian walk", but just go through the day looking for how Jesus shows up? I like the personal relationship Jesus and not the one who only required me to do good. I think I always believed the latter. Again, not because anyone told me that or anything, it just seemed to be what stuck the most.

I felt like I was really getting into the turbo kick boxing class tonight. After doing that class I sometimes wonder if I would do better in a real fight, if I had to ;) I always feel like the silliest most ungraceful one in the class though. And I'm not just saying that, I really am!

Now I'm home. Mark is coming over soon and I'm going to make us sloppy joes and we'll watch 24. He's inundated with work, so can't stay long, but every little moment is better than none at all!

I was going to write...

My first edition of Random Thoughts:

- I was going to blog about poop tonight but decided that some of my readers (whoever you are) may not find that the most savory of topics.

- Today's reading in Donald Miller made me want to believe that God thinks I am somebody and I don't need to look to others for this truth. That's easier said than done, when you won't see my face appear on the cover of a checkout-stand mag any time soon.

- For some reason I'm sad that Anna Nicole died (saw a thing about her on Larry King while at the gym tonight), I hope her baby ends up with the father that will love her the most.

- When at the Tualatin gym, I like to be on a machine close enough to read the tvs. I don't like listening, just reading. When at the Murray gym, I don't listen or read.

- Speaking of listening, last night was the first time I listened to music while running at the gym in weeks. It was weird. I felt like it was too busy. I think I'll stick with no music.

- Tonight my jeans felt restrictive. So I put on sweats.

- I love eating left-overs for lunches at work. I feel like it's a good use of food and is cheaper than eating out. I also have the food at work so I can eat any time I'm hungry (notice I didn't say every time I'm hungry because that would be like every hour).

- The Office is awkward, but I think it's hilarious!!

- I always think of millions of things to blog about while I'm the gym and normally forget them all by the time I get home. Except for the pooping thing, I remembered that one ;)

- I made Sharon Mulder wait for me for 45 minutes to join her at a craft thing that I thought was tomorrow night (I was at the gym, my phone was in the car). I felt HORRIBLE and then wasn't able to go because I already had plans.

- Mark once said that someone met someone on ebay, instead of eHarmony. That was FUNNY!

- I like thinking about how every moment of every day changes my life. I will never be the same person I was a minute ago.

- Mark has really done a lot to make me feel special lately. Although most of the time, just the way he looks at me makes me feel special ;) He cooked dinner 3 nights in a row, listens to me talk non-stop about whatever and seems to LOVE it, leaves me little notes around my room and bathroom, did something special for Valentine's Day, and prays for us. He's amazing!!

- The most recent verse I'm memorizing in Psalm 139 says, "Shouldn't I hate those who hate you? Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?" I didn't let myself read ahead, but I'm excited to see what's next.

- I'm also reading through Ruth. I finished chapter 2 today and am looking forward to reading the rest of the story. I feel like I've spent most of my Christian life in the NT so am looking forward to some bonding time with the OT, no particular pattern though so I'm not sure what I'll read after Ruth.

- I like getting stuff out of my teeth when I floss. Makes me feel like it's worth the effort.

- I've had a really good week, Mark loves me, work is busy, my car is hot, my hair is purple, I have minimal plans for the weekend, I've met my workout quota so far for the week, I get another God-date tomorrow at Starbucks, life is good.

Just today's news...

Today was fun! Mark surprised me at work around lunch time with a dozen red roses and chocolate covered strawberries and took me to lunch. It was our first Valentine's Day together so I was interested to see if/how we celebrated (we had not previously talked about it). When I told Mark I had planned to get him something small, he said no because Valentine's Day is for the ladies... I'm cool with that ;) But I did get him a card. We had a really nice lunch at the new little cafe at Murray Scholls. It was really nice! He's such a great guy!!! I'm SO in love with him!! :)

In a completely unrelated topic, if you kept up with my other blog you knew I was on a quest to stay current on my filing. The plan was to file as I got the papers that needed to be filed, instead of letting them pile up. Well, I currently have a small stack starting to accumulate on my dresser (not even in the office! I'm totally in denial). I'm going to go file those 5 items once I finish this.

I got my hair done yesterday. I LOVE getting my hair done! Actually, I love having my hair freshly colored. It's purple! Tonight when I walked into the gym I noticed I got some prolonged glances and have to remember why. That's not why I do it, more because I think it's the most fun thing ever!! And it's probably the only time in my life when I'll be able to get away with crazy colors.

Speaking of the gym. Valentine's Day night is a good time to go. Not as many people there.

What do I have to show for my 26 years?

Lately I have been pondering my life and what I have/haven't done. It's been prompted mostly by feeling insecure about the way people might view me. In Donald Miller's book that I'm reading, he talks about the lifeboat mentality. That life feels like we're in a lifeboat with each other and someone has to get thrown out and you don't want to be the one thrown out. The people you are in the lifeboat with aren't determining who will be thrown out by God's worth, but mans... am I worth saving? So we're desperately trying to stay a step above at least one other person in the boat. At least, this is what I'm getting from what Miller is saying. I'm pretty sure I live my life this way more often than not.

Last week a friend and I were reflecting on our lives so far. I mentioned how I was feeling a bit like a loser and have been struggling with a fear that others share that sentiment about me. At 26, I don't feel like I've done the things I wish I had by now, like graduating college and/or having money invested somewhere, or something to show for the past 8 years since graduating high school. But I just don't have much. So I've been thinking about this more and have shared with a few people who assure me that others don't think I'm a loser. Trisha reminded me that on the outside, I seem to "have it all" with a good job, a great car, an amazing boyfriend.

My friend Raychel reminded me of Romans 8:28, "The Lord works for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose." That reminded me of a verse I'm memorizing out of Psalm 139, "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book and every moment laid out before a single day had passed." Even though I feel like a loser (and everyone else must think so too) because I don't have anything to show for my life thus far, doesn't mean I am one. It's weird to think that THIS was the life God laid out for me (not that I don't have free will to choose). He knew in advance I wouldn't have finished school by 26 and haven't decided when/how to finish yet. He knew I wouldn't be married yet. He knew he would bless me with Simone (2000 Mustang GT Convertible ;). He knew that I would be living with Barb and have little to no money (and what I do have will be use up on my trip to Europe next month).

"For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

So God new me and laid out my life before I was born, every step of it. I haven't felt like it has been wasted, I guess I just feel like you are supposed to be able to count what you have done and I don't feel like I can. But I do know that I've been seeking God at each step and looking to him along the way. I really like knowing that he knew of and laid out my days ahead of time. Doesn't make me feel like I messed something up but am on a divine life plan that is only a quarter (probably more) of the way through.

He saw me before I was born. He works for my good. He has a good plan and hope for my future. Ya!! I'm not a loser!! ;) And I can stop fighting for a place in the lifeboat. Maybe my focus shouldn't be on making sure I'm not thrown out of the lifeboat, but fighting for others to stay in.

Cheese and crakers saved my life...

I'm a firm believer in snacking. Well, for me anyway. I've been crabby for the past couple of hours and just had my favorite snack, a couple slices of cheddar cheese and Wheat Thins. Now I feel better. My stomach wasn't letting me focus on much. The gum I swallowed on my way home didn't tide it over very well.

Dilemma: I stopped at REI tonight to pick up shoes for my trip to Europe. Yes, the trip is still a little over 4 weeks away, but it's never too early to buy shoes. I currently don't own anything like these shoes (in black), so that's a good excuse to purchase. However, they aren't cheap and I'm trying save as much $$ for the trip as possible. I found out that the member dividend (or whatever you call it) will be available on the 27th of this month so thought I could wait until then. But I didn't. I'm not sure how much my return will be but decided I would use it up no matter what, probably on packets of GU or Shot Bloks for summer long runs. I'm giving myself a 24 hour period to decide about taking the shoes back and waiting a few weeks to purchase them. I was going to ask Mark, but he wasn't reachable by phone so I'll ask him when I see him. I LOVE the shoes though and I think they are more comfortable than anything else I own.

Today was ROUGH! I felt like an emotional roller coaster. Like the guy who wrote Psalm 139 (which I'm memorizing) he's all over the place, here are 4 verses in a row: "How precious are your thoughts about me O God, they cannot be numbered. I can't even count them all, they are more than the grains of sand. And when I wake up in the morning you are still with me. O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life you murderers!" He's all over the place! Praising God for his thoughts, then commenting on how he's around in the morning and then asking him to kill off the wicked. Makes me feel not so weird. I love memorizing scripture, it gives me lots of time to think and contemplate on what's being said.

Back to today, it was an emotionally up and down day. I felt like I was freaking out until about 11am when I realized I was in the middle of the 1-2 days during the month where I shouldn't think about much or make any decisions... stupid female hormones. Here's a recap: got up and was happy, drove to work and was getting sad, got all worked up throughout the morning, after lunch was more happy, afternoon was happy, finished my post-work workout and was really sad, finished buying shoes at REI and was confused and sad, called Barb on the way home and faked being happy enough that I started to feel better, got home and ate food and focused on addressing people's complaints about my current blog set up and tried not to get sad, finished my cheese and crackers and wrote this out and am more happy. Now I might go bust a move at DDR until Mark comes over, both things combined should help me be the happiest I've been all day.

I will add that I'm aware that things don't make me happy and I need to make sure I'm finding my joy and worth in God. This is another story for another day. I'm working on that, but feel like I fail miserably so right now awareness is about as good as it gets.

It has begun...

Well, I already boofed on my first blog!! Gee, I'm not too good at this so far. I was trying to do something and cleared the page. Needless to say, that spoiled my interesting in posting anything so I'll make it short and sweet and then have to go eat. Mark is making dinner. What a great guy!!

I'm reading through Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What and had these thoughts about the chapter I read today (I sent this to a friend of mine).

As I walked out of Starbucks, I saw the woman they recently hired and thought about her in regard to the chapter I just read. Miller talked about how in middle school there was an unspoken social status (this woman may have been considered low on the status level) and how it was okay for someone of lower status to associate with someone higher, but not the other way around. It's sad how you sometimes feel like you HAVE to live by that unspoken code. I think it's still there when you get older, but instead of living with the obvious lines of division, you all try and pretend like you don't see them and live without them, when in reality, you still do. I never see this new girl smile. I should try and get to know her. She was on bar (making drinks) today and made my drink and when I got it, I immediately thought she made it wrong with whole milk instead of non-fat. But I think she may have just used whole milk foam for the top, I used to do that all the time. But I think because I might associate her with a lower status (subconsciously) might therefore assume the worst and almost wanted to treat her poorly.

I wonder what it would be like to have no predisposed sense of this hierarchy? I think that's why we compare ourselves, because there is an unspoken life status that we are all given by appearance, occupation (or lack there of), level of education, single/marital status, etc. When we aren't very high on the list we may not be treated very well because people don't want to associate with someone lower than them. It takes a while to learn the inner status of a person so we tend to judge by the outside.